Rewriting Your Relationship Blueprint Through Attachment

Written by Samantha Varela, MA Clinical Intern, June 2025

Interest in attachment theory is increasing. If an individual were to search this concept on the internet, usually the first answer that surfaces is that attachment theory is a way to explain infant bonding with a caregiver. However, this only tells part of the story of attachment. Over the past seventy-five years, psychologists have increased their research on the topic, and we have learned so much more about this fascinating topic and how it affects our relationships far beyond our caregivers, romantic relationships, and the relationship we have with ourselves.

It’s true that attachment is the infant-caregiver bonding process. When infants cry, they communicate that they need something from their caregiver. When the caregiver responds to those needs, the infant begins to learn how to get their needs met in a relationship as well as who to turn to for safety and security. This foundational work, first explored by John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth through the *Strange Situation* studies, showed that early interactions with caregivers shape what Bowlby called “internal working models” of self and others [Bowlby, 1969; Ainsworth et al., 1978].

However, when a parent is unable to respond to the infant’s cries for help—whether due to emotional unavailability, inconsistency, or other stressors—insecure attachment styles can develop. These early experiences create an attachment blueprint that we use for all future relationships [Cassidy & Shaver, 2016].

As our lives move forward, our attachment blueprint is further reinforced or challenged by other important relationships in our lives, mainly our romantic relationships. How we cry out to our partner in times of distress when we have needs will depend on our attachment blueprint. Some people can do this from a secure place, others will shut down, some will try to get closer to their partner, and some get stuck in the dreaded push/pull with their partner. These patterns often mirror the four commonly discussed attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant [Bartholomew & Horowitz, 1991]. This can lead to dysfunctional interactional patterns, or dances, that we can get stuck in. These dysfunctional dances can cause significant distress. A therapist who is familiar with attachment theory can help you learn a new dance that is more effective for you and your partner based on your attachment needs!

Attachment theory also includes the relationship we have with ourselves. This is why therapists can use your attachment style and system to help decrease unpleasant symptoms in your life. We can use the attachment system to improve your relationship with yourself and help you shift to a point of greater attachment security. Research also shows that therapy itself—particularly when the therapist provides a safe, consistent, and attuned relationship—can become a “corrective emotional experience” that supports movement toward secure attachment [Holmes, 2010].

Attachment theory may seem like a lot of information, but if the concept could be summarized and simplified, it’s all about relationship interactions and how we react to those interactions. Interestingly, even the way you interact with your therapist is based on your attachment—and the good news is that if you have one of the insecure attachment styles, which is common, you can shift and change your attachment style to be more secure. Research suggests that attachment style is not fixed: it can evolve over time, especially with intentional relational work and support [Levy, Ellison, Scott, & Bernecker, 2011].

Resources:

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). *Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation*. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults. *Journal of Personality and Social Psychology*, 61(2), 226–244.

Bowlby, J. (1969). *Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment*. New York: Basic Books.

Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). *Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications* (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Holmes, J. (2010). *Exploring in Security: Towards an Attachment-Informed Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy*. Routledge.

Levy, K. N., Ellison, W. D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2011). Attachment style. *Journal of Clinical Psychology*, 67(2), 193–203.